2015 Election Debate to be held on Porn Hub

STOP PRESS – LATE BREAKING NEWS

sootyPrime Mentalist David Cameron has confirmed today that he will not be attending any televised pre-election debates unless famous glove puppet Sooty is included.

Mr Cameron has said, “All national parties and Sooty must be represented at the live debates – which were first introduced for the 2010 general election – they set a prescedent for puppets being centre stage.”

 

The Groinian and Daily Torygraph have announced that they are teaming up with online skin flick vendor Porn Hub, to host an online leader’s debate  ahead of the General election on May 7th.

A spokesman for the three media outlets explained, “People are bored of stagnant debate and lame party political broadcasts on BBB and CTV. Even that Skyblue lot are getting a bit fully clothed and samey. What happened topless darts? Here there’s a load of pricks, people need is to be able to weigh up the finer points of each relevant candidate’s beliefs, trustworthiness and all round political sophistication whilst simultaneously having a sneaky wank.”

debateOne voter we spoke to welcomed the news, “It’s about time politics got a bit more naughty. It’ll give any promises of an in out referendum a new meaning though”.

Deputy Prime Mentalist Nick Clegg was already growing a moustache, complaining about the heat and stripping off to the sound of a 1970s style wah wah guitar when we spoke to him.

“I’ll go into coalition with anyone. And I mean anyone.  I’m so filthy. I’m just sitting here wearing only my pants waiting for a senior coalition partner. One that’ll boss me about and treat me like the naughty tuition fee raising little politician that I am. Yeah.”, he noted.

In a rare display of cross party agreement, Prime Mentalist David Cameron has promised to stop playing hard to get and has also voiced his support for the proposals.

“It’ll take us back to the good old days when our MPs were always getting caught wearing ladies underwear with an orange stuck in their mouths. We didn’t need a coalition then. It must be the way forward.”

I loved the 80s, when the Tories had the MFI problem – one loose screw and your cabinet fell apart.

All rights reserved © 2015 Inspired by: News Toad

Politics is a Changing …

Since the 2005 election, Westminster has changed. The traditions, the green benches, and the antiquated language remain, but politics is now digital, fast-moving, and relentless. The new reality still includes a few certainties, as demonstrated by the Government’s recent announcement on cigarette packaging. Here are 12 things to think about when you’re following an issue:

  1. A big development may be slipped in under the radar… For example at 8pm, during a Wednesday evening Adjournment Debate
  2. News will be broken on Twitter – after all, everything happens on Twitter first now
  3. The opposition’s first response will be tweeted, long before they manage to put out a press statement (47 minutes, in this case)
  4. In the rush to report breaking news first, not every outlet will get their facts straight
  5. The debate will be cross-media, with comments made on the radio ending up on TV and online
  6. Politicians will take the argument out of the chamber… and even away from party politics (sometimes)
  7. Stakeholders will have their say, even if the press ignores them
  8. The media will get excited about whatever Nigel Farage says
  9. Social media makes it easier to turn armchair opposition into action
  10. An announcement of Government intent is rarely the end of the story, thanks to troublesome backbenchers
  11. In the meantime, parliamentarians will not wait patiently. Instead, they will table written or oral questions and bring it up in debates
  12. And while everyone waits for the Government to act, recalcitrant backbenchers will keep up the opposition.

All rights reserved © 2015 Source: WikiGuido

When Democracy Goes Up in Smoke

Europe goes to the polls next week, but election fever sometimes seems in short supply. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Author Jeremy Clay tells the tale of a 19th Century election rally and the drunken inventor who fired a torpedo down his own High Street.

The man they came to know as “Wild” Cunningham gazed ruefully down the main street of his home town at a scene of devastation. Wrecked buildings. A flattened shop. Debris littered all around. And a smoke trail, like an accusing finger, leading right back to where he stood.

Perhaps, on reflection, he had gone too far.  Patrick Cunningham was an inventor who had built a torpedo for the US Navy. It was 17ft long, and packed with enough explosive to do serious damage to a ship. Or, as it turned out, a High Street.  The damage was done at the tail end of October 1896, on the cusp of the presidential election, as the political hoopla came rolling into the Massachusetts whaling town of New Bedford. Crowds crammed the streets. The buildings were festooned with thousands of flags. There were bands and parades and tub-thumping speeches. And after it all, a display of fireworks.

Perhaps it was the pyrotechnics that gave Patrick the lightbulb moment he came to regret. The pyrotechnics, or the booze. Possibly a combination of the two. With the flamboyant stupidity of a man who knew it all, except when to stop, Cunningham hurried to his workshop and loaded the invention that came to be known as the Flying Devil on to a wagon and brought it to a suitably unsuitable spot.  “Placing the torpedo in the middle of the street he lighted it, and the machine at once started down the street at a terrific pace,” reported the Worcestershire Chronicle.

Tearing along a foot off the ground, following the haphazard flight path of a drunken wasp, the hissing torpedo rebounded off a tree, veered across the road and smashed sideways into a shop. Some reports say it was a grocery. Some say it was a butcher’s shop. Some say it was the market hall. All agree on the upshot. “The building at once collapsed,” said the Chronicle. “The torpedo then exploded, shattering several blocks of houses in the vicinity.”

The fearsome blast was heard several miles away.  “Fortunately no-one was killed,” the paper continued, “but four persons who were in the market place at the time were thrown violently upon a heap of debris, while others were injured by flying pieces of stone and timber.”

Later, a chunk of shrapnel weighing 75lb was found in the next street, where it had been flung over the rooftops. Things looked grim for the soon-to-be-arrested Mr Cunningham, but as he contemplated the chaos he’d created, there was one minor consolation. That invention of his – it worked.

Jeremy Clay is the author of The Burglar Caught By A Skeleton

Published by BBC Magazine, BBC © 2014

European Elections 2014

Labour are getting spooked by the rise of Red UKIP. Ed’s British guru Lord Glasman used his interview with the Sunday Times to warn middle-class metropolitan Miliband that he is haemorrhaging working class votes to Farage:

“This is a long-term trend since 2001, in terms of the working-class vote just declining quite dramatically. The Labour middle-class vote held up [in 2010]. It was the working-class vote that died. These are often people who are earning, who have jobs, but they don’t see Labour as representing their interests. There was possibly an assumption at first that [the rise of Ukip] would just work against the Tories. But there is a view that says that after the European and local elections are over, there could be a swing back to the Conservatives of Ukip voters. But will there be necessarily a swing back to Labour from the Ukip voters?”

At the same time as there appears to be a surge in support, the misrepresntation of UKIP increases. This is best articulated by Peter Osborne:

“No political party in modern history – not even Neil Kinnock’s Labour in 1987 – has come under such sustained attack and misrepresentation. Mr Kinnock at least had The Guardian and the Daily Mirror; Mr Farage cannot boast a single national title, and several papers are running vendettas against him. Mr Kinnock was treated reasonably fairly by the broadcast media. This is not the case with Mr Farage: consider the lacerating contempt shown towards him by Channel 4 News and its chief presenter, Jon Snow. Nick Robinson, the BBC’s political editor, has also abandoned his usual fairness when dealing with the party.”

The political class do indeed feel frightened. Farage may turn out to be a buffoon but that is a sideshow issue.  The issue for me is two-fold, I want to wave two-fingers and I am strongly against the politicisation of the ‘common market’. Like a wounded animal the establishment feels cornered and it WILL fight back. The narcicistic system has too many feeding at the trough to let any populist rebellion go unchallenged. Expect the state funding of political parties to be back on the agenda as the main players seek to consolidate their strangehold.

Finally, as someone who has worked with politicians for thirty years I firmly believe that we should change our politicians often, much like nappies, and for the same reason.  The election poster up in my front window is the one below.  Feel free to download it (copies available on request). By all means vote byr for that added protection – attach a condom!

European Election Poster

Be warned though. I was challenged over it’s content.  It was suggested that my reference to Guy Fawkes was a breach of Section 1 of the Terrorism Act 2006. The poster is still there. I’m sat here in my tin hat and camouflage jacket.

All rights reserved © 2014 Andrew Hutchinson