The Chocolate Budget

Budget day approaches and MPs continue to line their own pockets by increasing per capita expenditure on mental health issues, not to give Prime Mentalist Cameron an unfair advantage, a spokesperson insists.  The real story though continues to be the increasing likelihood of a return to the Chocolate Standard. A wide range of lenders from the big boys at the worlds’ favourite money launderers, Ping Pong Banking Corporation, through to giro day loan companies are raging at the prospect that negative inflation will mean them paying interest to people who have borrowed from them.

A RosesGovernor of the Bank of England, Mark Carnage, acted swifty to allay fears, bringing the wisdom of a foreign education to explain that since 1694 when God’s appointed financial adviser on earth, the English monarch, begat the Bank of England, we have been worshipping at the altar of year on year growth. The new negative interest payments were simply two sides of the same coin and the Royal Mint are actively considering a two-faced coin, the double-header, made from recycled chocolate. Before you rush down to your local Wonka’s Outlet Store issuance will be dependent on the introduction of the Chocolate Standard.

Barrat Holmes, of We Flog Any Garage, notes, “A meagre £1,000,000 mortgage based on 3.5% APR could mean payments of £5,000 a month. But if the APR becomes -3.5% the bank has to pay £5,000 a month to you. So the more you borrow from them, the more they have to pay you.” Straightforward? Well, no not until there is a universal Chocolate Standard, as no-one wants worthless fiat currency – remember the Curly Wurly?. The Swiss Toblerone continues to be the choice of both the Chinese and the Russians. Both produce inferior chocolate bars and until recently were heavily leveraged in Herpes Bars.

Indeed, one cheerful debtor told us, “I’m quids in, I’m going to take out as many pay day loans as I can. And if I don’t pay back the capital then they have to pay me penalties. If there’s no chocolate, I’ll take pre-decimalisaion Toffos.”

Within London’s square mile many financial institutions are thought to be keeping a stiff upper lip. “Brown lips tell no lies”, said a spokespersonfor PPBC, assuring us that the bank had plenty of reserves to cover the unexpected payments but the Herpes Bar wrappers strewn around Canary Warf told a different story.

“Don’t worry. We’ll just take it out of old people’s savings accounts. They can suck but they can’t chew” He explained. Can we really expect a return to 2008 when pensioners queued day and night to suck on a length of Northern Rock? Will our denture less pensioners really find chocolate easier to swallow? We will find out on Wednesday or will we? Despite threats of criminal action against against lickers and hoarders we hear that Minstrels are flying off the shelves. Like an ISA they have a worthless outer shell but the same goods are on the inside, allbeit at a premium. Their practicality, mobility and ease of storage make them the preferred under the radar purchase.

Known as ‘little bitches’ or sovereigns, Minstrels are the choice of bankers around the world, who are known to swap hands at ninety-nine when indulging. “Wall’s have ears, I found one in my ninety nine once but my tip to the plebs is to do the opposite to the crowd, no cream eggs for me, what’s Easter?”, said Baron Redshield.

cucumberA case of suck it and see. Meanwhile Britains premier parasitic pensioner has no such financial woes as the family firm, founded in 1066, is guaranteed to endorse your choccy bars soon with a brand new effigy.

“With a succession of new Chairmen lined up through until the turn of the century only an oubreak of common sense will halt this Greco-German brand,” said Russel Bland.

 

All rights reserved © 2015 Andrew Hutchinson

Be Outraged

Thoughts and prayers go out to the family, friends and colleagues of Drummer Lee Rigby, of the 2nd Battalion the Royal Regiment of Fusiliers, from Middleton, Rochdale, victim of the cowardly and barbaric attack in Woolwich.

Rigby

What happened on the streets of London yesterday was savage, barbaric and indefensible.  Footage emerged afterwards on the ITV website, of a man wielding a bloodied meat cleaver speaking to the camera, making political statements, saying: “We must fight them as they fight us. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.”

I share the sense of outrage. I share the anger and revulsion and I expect that the darkest depths of hell are reserved for those who perpetrate cowardly acts of savagery such as this, attempting to decapitate a man, after running him down with a car and subjecting him to a disembowelling in a frenzied machette attack.  Humanity has every right to feel a little less human.

It was Stalin who said, “One death is a tragedy; one million is a statistic.”  It is on a single act of savagery that we can reflect because a single act, directed at a single soul echoes the thought that there but for the grace of God goes each of us.  It is identifiable, recognisable and relatable to each of us.  The tragedy of the lives lost in all acts of terror, be they the victims of IEDs, suicide bombings or drone strikes is just as great but somehow they get lost, sanitised in the daily diet of death and destruction that invades the comfort of our living rooms, that desensitises and eats away at the humanity of each of us on a daily basis.

I understand the desire for revenge, I know the demons that make the blood boil, the venting of anger on social media that gives way to a vicious circle of anger and despair.  Let none of us lose the opportunity to reflect.  Do not let hate destroy us.  Redirect your energy into your own personal journey of self-discovery, which in turn advances the journey of humanity.

Do not let our Government hijack this tragedy to advance its own agenda.  Terrorism is the act of instilling a sense of terror.  Successive Western governments have post 911, used a climate of fear to advance an ever more sinister agenda in the name of freedom.  George Orwell’s 1984 has been seen not so much as a novel but a user manual.  In the words of Benjamin Franklin those who desire to give up freedom in order to gain security will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.

Our entire system is politically, morally and intellectually bankrupt.  According to the National Audit Office, the UK National Debt rose by £850bn as a result of the Bank Bailout. This is a figure which is nearly two times the country’s total annual budget.  That’s funding the NHS for eight years; the education system for twenty years or Job Seekers allowance for two hundred years.

Forget the service sector, financial terrorism is our growth industry, whether it is rigging LIBOR, mis-selling PPI, breaking trade sanctions or laundering money for drug cartels.  HSBC which now owns three NHS hospitals in Barnet, Middlesex and West Middlesex was recently found guilty of creating a whole subsidiary bank in order to launder money for Mexican drug cartels, whose victims have been decapitated by the roadsides.  Over ninety pieces of tax payer funded public infrastructure, mostly schools and hospitals, have been transferred into the ownership of banks who set up shell companies, registered in offshore tax havens to complete the deals and avoid paying taxes.

I was once given some wonderful advice:  If you don’t know what to write about, write about what makes you angry, what pisses you off.  Well this angry ‘young’ man is pissed off.  I am no ‘clean skin’.  I was a socialist at twenty, a conservative at thirty, a libertarian at forty and I can see the merits of anarchy at fifty.  I will not be a terrorist at sixty and I do not wish to see any more martyrs or terrorists.  Be outraged but redirect your anger.  Give to Help for Heroes, give to your local mosque, support your church, close your HSBC account.  For God’s sake do something and advance the cause of humanity for we are all its children.

Postscript

Should the family of Drummer Lee Rigby, of the 2nd Battalion the Royal Regiment of Fusiliers, be in agreement I for one would like to see his funeral marked by a national two minutes of silence to commemorate his sacrifice and that of all of the fallen.

All rights reserved © 2013 Andrew Hutchinson