Bobby says …

Bobby says …
You can run a land with armies
You can rule a sea with boats
But I prefer democracy
Where you run a land with votes.

You can run a land with bullets
You can crush dissent with sticks
But I prefer democracy
Where you run a land with ticks.

You can run a land with slogans
You can dominate with voice
But I prefer democracy
Where you run a land with choice.

You can run a land with torture
You can keep control with fights
But I prefer democracy
Where you run a land with rights.

You can run a land with freedom
You can find a people’s heart
But if this is democracy
You have to play your part.

You can run a land that dances
You can run a land that rocks
By voting for democracy
With your condom inside a box.

Bobby Nitro after Steve Turner 2015

Bobby Nitro's photo.

 

Secret Trans-Pacific Partnership Agreement (TPP) – Investment Chapter

WikiLeaks releases today the “Investment Chapter” from the secret negotiations of the TPP (Trans-Pacific Partnership) agreement. The document adds to the previous WikiLeaks publications of the chapters for Intellectual Property Rights (November 2013) and the Environment (January 2014).

The TPP Investment Chapter, published today, is dated 20 January 2015. The document is classified and supposed to be kept secret for four years after the entry into force of the TPP agreement or, if no agreement is reached, for four years from the close of the negotiations.

Julian Assange, WikiLeaks editor said: “The TPP has developed in secret an unaccountable supranational court for multinationals to sue states. This system is a challenge to parliamentary and judicial sovereignty. Similar tribunals have already been shown to chill the adoption of sane environmental protection, public health and public transport policies.”

Current TPP negotiation member states are the United States, Japan, Mexico, Canada, Australia, Malaysia, Chile, Singapore, Peru, Vietnam, New Zealand and Brunei. The TPP is the largest economic treaty in history, including countries that represent more than 40 per cent of the world´s GDP.

Reminding the world that 1984 is a User Manual and not a novel.

https://wikileaks.org/tpp-investment/

All rights reserved © 2015 Andrew Hutchinson

 

Chic Geek Gets Political

The ChicGeek got political, this month, as he launched his campaign to be elected the chicest Member of Parliament in the forthcoming General Election. As the style leader of the Ginger Party, he will taking his role as the UK’s foremost men’s blogger to the home of democracy aiming to educated that scruffy lot in the details of male style.

Check out TheChicGeek kissing babies, standing on his soapbox and flying his poster all town in #VOTEGEEK. Plus see his trip to the BAFTAs, why we should all aspire to copy Calvin Harris, his honest reviews of all the latest grooming products, plus much more.

All rights reserved © 2015 Source: http://thechicgeek.co.uk/

The Chocolate Budget

Budget day approaches and MPs continue to line their own pockets by increasing per capita expenditure on mental health issues, not to give Prime Mentalist Cameron an unfair advantage, a spokesperson insists.  The real story though continues to be the increasing likelihood of a return to the Chocolate Standard. A wide range of lenders from the big boys at the worlds’ favourite money launderers, Ping Pong Banking Corporation, through to giro day loan companies are raging at the prospect that negative inflation will mean them paying interest to people who have borrowed from them.

A RosesGovernor of the Bank of England, Mark Carnage, acted swifty to allay fears, bringing the wisdom of a foreign education to explain that since 1694 when God’s appointed financial adviser on earth, the English monarch, begat the Bank of England, we have been worshipping at the altar of year on year growth. The new negative interest payments were simply two sides of the same coin and the Royal Mint are actively considering a two-faced coin, the double-header, made from recycled chocolate. Before you rush down to your local Wonka’s Outlet Store issuance will be dependent on the introduction of the Chocolate Standard.

Barrat Holmes, of We Flog Any Garage, notes, “A meagre £1,000,000 mortgage based on 3.5% APR could mean payments of £5,000 a month. But if the APR becomes -3.5% the bank has to pay £5,000 a month to you. So the more you borrow from them, the more they have to pay you.” Straightforward? Well, no not until there is a universal Chocolate Standard, as no-one wants worthless fiat currency – remember the Curly Wurly?. The Swiss Toblerone continues to be the choice of both the Chinese and the Russians. Both produce inferior chocolate bars and until recently were heavily leveraged in Herpes Bars.

Indeed, one cheerful debtor told us, “I’m quids in, I’m going to take out as many pay day loans as I can. And if I don’t pay back the capital then they have to pay me penalties. If there’s no chocolate, I’ll take pre-decimalisaion Toffos.”

Within London’s square mile many financial institutions are thought to be keeping a stiff upper lip. “Brown lips tell no lies”, said a spokespersonfor PPBC, assuring us that the bank had plenty of reserves to cover the unexpected payments but the Herpes Bar wrappers strewn around Canary Warf told a different story.

“Don’t worry. We’ll just take it out of old people’s savings accounts. They can suck but they can’t chew” He explained. Can we really expect a return to 2008 when pensioners queued day and night to suck on a length of Northern Rock? Will our denture less pensioners really find chocolate easier to swallow? We will find out on Wednesday or will we? Despite threats of criminal action against against lickers and hoarders we hear that Minstrels are flying off the shelves. Like an ISA they have a worthless outer shell but the same goods are on the inside, allbeit at a premium. Their practicality, mobility and ease of storage make them the preferred under the radar purchase.

Known as ‘little bitches’ or sovereigns, Minstrels are the choice of bankers around the world, who are known to swap hands at ninety-nine when indulging. “Wall’s have ears, I found one in my ninety nine once but my tip to the plebs is to do the opposite to the crowd, no cream eggs for me, what’s Easter?”, said Baron Redshield.

cucumberA case of suck it and see. Meanwhile Britains premier parasitic pensioner has no such financial woes as the family firm, founded in 1066, is guaranteed to endorse your choccy bars soon with a brand new effigy.

“With a succession of new Chairmen lined up through until the turn of the century only an oubreak of common sense will halt this Greco-German brand,” said Russel Bland.

 

All rights reserved © 2015 Andrew Hutchinson

Friggin’ Foragers

Supermarkets accross middle England are in turmoil, not at the prospect of EU withdrawal but goose stepping ancient foraging laws more ancient than the Royal and Ancient and more akin to the middle ages than middle England. Do they mean that supermarkets are unable to legally charge for fruit, meat or vegetables on the proviso that they could have been picked, dug up or hunted in Britain?

A spokesman for the National Association of Friggin’ Foragers told us “Most of our members do spend a lot of in woods, up lanes and generally getting lost but it’s comforting to know that on occasions that they can’t be bothered or it’s raining, all the loose unpackaged products in supermarkets can still be legally foraged for free. As long as they carry a wicker basket and only pick up food they plan to eat that evening.”

William Bracey-Norris known locally as ‘Foraging Noris’ had just left Samesbury’s and remarked, “I’ve just foraged berries, potatoes and a joint of pork, all free as I could have picked it myself in the countryside. If I hadn’t also had to pay £140 for a baguette and a newspaper, I’d have been quids in.”

A spokesperson for supermarket giant Polska Express explained that the company would still expect to be making a profit charging for their best selling chopped and shaped chicken derivative miscellaneous shapes and bear ham. “What do you expect for 99p, a organic raised, Cheltenham Gold Cup winning, two foreign holidays a year thorough bred? Retard”. Karol Wotzamakallitz went on to say that his parents always told him to watch what he ate and now he understands the importance of watching the Grand National as a family.

All rights reserved © 2015 Andrew Hutchinson

2015 Election Debate to be held on Porn Hub

STOP PRESS – LATE BREAKING NEWS

sootyPrime Mentalist David Cameron has confirmed today that he will not be attending any televised pre-election debates unless famous glove puppet Sooty is included.

Mr Cameron has said, “All national parties and Sooty must be represented at the live debates – which were first introduced for the 2010 general election – they set a prescedent for puppets being centre stage.”

 

The Groinian and Daily Torygraph have announced that they are teaming up with online skin flick vendor Porn Hub, to host an online leader’s debate  ahead of the General election on May 7th.

A spokesman for the three media outlets explained, “People are bored of stagnant debate and lame party political broadcasts on BBB and CTV. Even that Skyblue lot are getting a bit fully clothed and samey. What happened topless darts? Here there’s a load of pricks, people need is to be able to weigh up the finer points of each relevant candidate’s beliefs, trustworthiness and all round political sophistication whilst simultaneously having a sneaky wank.”

debateOne voter we spoke to welcomed the news, “It’s about time politics got a bit more naughty. It’ll give any promises of an in out referendum a new meaning though”.

Deputy Prime Mentalist Nick Clegg was already growing a moustache, complaining about the heat and stripping off to the sound of a 1970s style wah wah guitar when we spoke to him.

“I’ll go into coalition with anyone. And I mean anyone.  I’m so filthy. I’m just sitting here wearing only my pants waiting for a senior coalition partner. One that’ll boss me about and treat me like the naughty tuition fee raising little politician that I am. Yeah.”, he noted.

In a rare display of cross party agreement, Prime Mentalist David Cameron has promised to stop playing hard to get and has also voiced his support for the proposals.

“It’ll take us back to the good old days when our MPs were always getting caught wearing ladies underwear with an orange stuck in their mouths. We didn’t need a coalition then. It must be the way forward.”

I loved the 80s, when the Tories had the MFI problem – one loose screw and your cabinet fell apart.

All rights reserved © 2015 Inspired by: News Toad

Politics is a Changing …

Since the 2005 election, Westminster has changed. The traditions, the green benches, and the antiquated language remain, but politics is now digital, fast-moving, and relentless. The new reality still includes a few certainties, as demonstrated by the Government’s recent announcement on cigarette packaging. Here are 12 things to think about when you’re following an issue:

  1. A big development may be slipped in under the radar… For example at 8pm, during a Wednesday evening Adjournment Debate
  2. News will be broken on Twitter – after all, everything happens on Twitter first now
  3. The opposition’s first response will be tweeted, long before they manage to put out a press statement (47 minutes, in this case)
  4. In the rush to report breaking news first, not every outlet will get their facts straight
  5. The debate will be cross-media, with comments made on the radio ending up on TV and online
  6. Politicians will take the argument out of the chamber… and even away from party politics (sometimes)
  7. Stakeholders will have their say, even if the press ignores them
  8. The media will get excited about whatever Nigel Farage says
  9. Social media makes it easier to turn armchair opposition into action
  10. An announcement of Government intent is rarely the end of the story, thanks to troublesome backbenchers
  11. In the meantime, parliamentarians will not wait patiently. Instead, they will table written or oral questions and bring it up in debates
  12. And while everyone waits for the Government to act, recalcitrant backbenchers will keep up the opposition.

All rights reserved © 2015 Source: WikiGuido

Politics, Philosophy and Mashed Potatoes

On a philosophical point, I have issues with left-right spectrums because they are one-dimensional.  They can be seen to represent either a purely economic scale (state planning v free enterprise) or a measure of individual freedom. Of course the far left and the far right are equally totalitarian, with only Camp Anarchy (not to be mistaken with Camp GTMO) inbetween, as the spectrum bends into a rainbow shape and then a circle.  Moving to two-dimensions with an ‘x’ axis that measures economic intervention (central planning on the left, free market on the right) and a ‘y’ axis that measures personal liberty (totalitarianism at the top, naked policemen running around smoking pot at the bottom), I am slap bang in the middle, three quarters of the way down.  A position I share with Gandhi apparently. Perhaps not a surprise as my humour has been observed to be as dry as his flip flops (more on flip flops later).  All of the current mainstream parties presently sit in the upper right quadrant which does go some way to explaining my feelings of isolation.

I found studying political philosophy at university very unsettling. One week I would be studying Hegel and the dialectic of materialism and nodding my head in agreement.  The following week Hobbes’ Leviathan would get my vote.  Edmund Burke made sense, as did Rousseau, equally so.  Utilitarians and Levellers seemed appealing.  Curling up with a naked fresher, reading from Camus’ L’Etranger with a Gitanes on the go even more so.  I have at times prostituted myself to each of the three main parties and on a glorious weekend in May 1997 while the rest of the country celebrated a Blair victory, a Eurovision win and a Bank Holiday during which the sun shone I had new found wealth.  I had seconded the Referendum Party candidate in the Hertford and Stortford constituency, much to the horror of my employers, who on being met by my name in the polling booth, gave me a pay rise, making my post politically restricted and supposedly ending any illusions of greatness.

I like to think that my politics haven’t flip-flopped (call-back to Gandhi noted) but that the mainstream parties have taken various changing orbits around me.  “I haven’t changed, the parties have”, of course not Mr Hutchinson and your money is safe in the bank (yes as safe as Mr Papadopoulos’ of Cyprus is).  It was while dining in a Paris restaurant that I had my Eureka moment.  I am not sure about French cuisine, they play about with their food far  too much for my liking and if you ask for vegetables they treat you like one.  I like a shank of lamb, a rich gravy, mashed potatoes and peas.  I like chicken, roast potatoes, carrots and cabbage.  I like egg and chips (beans or peas optional).  I like shepherd’s pie.  “What do you want for your tea?” my mother used to ask.  I’d ponder, lamb, chicken, egg ‘n chips, shepherd’s pie.  All good, all different, all with something to offer.  And that is how it was with politics but you know what? I realised I like bloody potatoes, potatoes were the constant in every dish.  In fact give me a baked potato on its own and I’m happy.  Yes potatoes, baked, roasted, chipped or mashed.  A bit like people, I like them in all of their varieties too.  And that is when it struck me.  It is the part of each of those political philosophies which deals with the individual which appeals to me.  The parts that deal with the hopes, the dreams, the aspirations, the needs, the wants of the individual and the rights and responsibilities that they bear in return.  Yes the individual is at the heart of my thinking.  Not the state, not even the community.  In fact I would go so far as to say that what is good for the individual is not necessarily good for the state and that what is good for the state is rarely good for the individual.

A Potatoes2012-06-25 21.34.19

Each of us has our own unique journey.  Each of us faces our own unique challenges.  We cannot walk a step, let alone a mile in another’s shoes.  Striver or shirker, pacifist or militarist, libertarian or socialist, straight or gay, atheist or convert, commentator or psychiatrist, each story a different individual, a different journey.  Workers, soldiers, drones, queens, whether we’re talking about ants, bees or humans we each have a role to play. Mine as criticalfriend, as agent provocateur.  Yes politicians and economists may be the subject of my scrutiny and the butt of my jokes but if he or she is just a man or woman whose intentions are good, then as the song says, “Please Lord don’t let him be misunderstood”.  And continuing our musical references, “Hats off to Larry” whichever party he leads for I have never had the responsibility of power fall upon my shoulders and never had those difficult choices to make.

AAAAAThe problem for me is that both socialism and capitalism are forms of collectivism. I am an individualist who travels light (not to be confused with an internationalist who has a lot of the baggage of the left) and a member of the new precariat, though often mistaken for a member of the elite, who finds himself much happier in the presence of a punk rocker than a banker. Bohemian Anarchist?  Well maybe. I value friends, family and community but I am not a fan of the nation state. I tolerate it as it has the potential to protect against corporatism and globalisation with its steady march to neo-serfdom and a new world order but that’s about it.  I go along with the monarchy, I don’t loathe it, I don’t cheer it. I’m certainly not apathetic to it though, for I realise that I’d no longer be able to take the moral high ground and lampoon America, as the prospect of a President Blair, a President Boris or President Branson makes me blush.  It certainly wouldn’t be a beauty contest.  There is a reason why politics is 18 rated.

After a recent presentation on post-war American foreign policy I was asked if I was anti-America.  In short, no but let me shed more light by defining my own version of GAP analysis.  I always think of a country as a stool (no pun intended) with three legs: Its Government; Its Aesthetic; and Its People.

So when I am asked, “Do you not like America?” I am happy to point to the GAP:

  • Its aesthetic, its landscape and its contribution to culture, I admire;
  • Its people, I respect
  • Its Government, I suspect

The same holds true of my own country and any other. We come into the world alone and we leave it alone. It is the voyage of self-discovery that gives our lives meaning as we slay dragons and tilt at windmills.  I’m just not a fan of my slaying and tilting being caught on CCTV.  Left and right, will someone please tell our politicians that George Orwell’s 1984 is a novel, not a user manual.

All rights reserved © 2015 Andrew Hutchinson

Anyone for a Brazilian?

From giant factory farm for Europeans to modern BRIC economy, the story of Brazil’s transformation is captured in an excellent BBC Radio 4 programme centering on the life of Getulio Vargas – moderniser, dictator, and finally democratically elected president. In the final part of the Invention of Brazil, Misha Glenny explores the life of Vargas, the man who changed Brazil.

Vargas came to power in 1930 and proved an expert at keeping himself in power. Initially he styled himself on Mussolini – the story of why he took Brazil into the Second World War on the side of the Allies is central here. As also are the events leading up to his suicide while still in power. With contributions from anthropologist Lilia Schwarz, Professor David Brookshaw, Peter Fry, and author Ana Maria Machado whose father was arrested by Vargas several times.

Getúlio Dornelles Vargas, 19 April 1882 – 24 August 1954) served as President of Brazil, first as dictator, from 1930 to 1945, and in a democratically elected term from 1951 until his suicide in 1954. Vargas led Brazil for 18 years, the most for any President, and second in Brazilian history only to Emperor Pedro II among heads of government. He favored nationalism, industrialization, centralization, social welfare and populism – for the latter, Vargas won the nickname “O Pai dos Pobres” (Portuguese for “The Father of the Poor”). He was both a proponent of workers’ rights and a staunch anti-communist.

GDV1

Getúlio Vargas appointed his ministers on November 3, 1930, after being brought to power by political outsiders and the rank and file of the Armed Forces in the Revolution of 1930, a reaction to his loss in elections earlier that year. His ascent marked the end of the Brazilian oligarchic Old Republic and states’ dominated café com leite (“coffee with milk”) politics. He successfully influenced the outcome of the Brazilian presidential election of 1934, and instituted an authoritarian corporatist regime in 1937 known as the Estado Novo (“New State”), prolonging his hold onto power. Vargas went on to appease and eventually dominate his supporters, and pushed his political agenda as he built a propaganda machine around his figure.

With the global rise of democracy in the aftermath of World War II, Vargas agreed to cede power in free elections, thus ending the Vargas Era. His popularity earned him a late presidential term, but mounting pressure and political strife over his methods led him to suicide. He was the first president in the country to draw widespread support from the masses and is regarded as the most influential Brazilian politician of the twentieth century. He was also a lawyer and landowner and occupied the 37th chair of the Brazilian Academy of Letters from 1943 until his death in 1954.

All rights reserved © 2015 Andrew Hutchinson

“Put Up Or Shut Up”

I was recently on the receiving end of a vitriolic rant from a local politician of some significance. No doubt he was frustrated by the growing popularity of my poster for the European Election 2014. Cynical, manipulative, negative, nonconformist – that last one really hurt. Let’s be clear, I am still as passionate about my politics as I have ever been. Every day I am giving political speeches in my stand-up sets, making political statements on twitter and raising money for charities – that is all good politics. I am politically active. I am just not standing for elected office. Two foxes and a chicken arguing over what to have for lunch.

photo(2)

I wanted to change the world once but then the world changed me. I believe in politics like I believe in my religion. I believe in living it. I take politics very seriously but too many politicians take themselves a little two too seriously. I don’t want my politics tainted by the need to make a living. I believe that when politicians have to make a living out of politics by being re-elected that you build into the system at least the incentive of intellectual dishonesty. If I know that the only way I’m putting food on the table for my family is by winning an election the real incentive becomes for me to say whatever I believe that the public wants to hear, regardless of whether it is the right thing, because I really need to win that election.

AAAAA

My politics will always be pure. I’ll never stop being a libertarian. I’ll never stop being progressive and I will never make a living from politics. My job is edutainment; to educate and to entertain in equal measure. I may be an entertainer but my passion is political and I’m just as active as I’ve ever been. In fact I’m probably more active than most politicians. I believe that I work tirelessly for the truth, for justice, for people and for the individual. That is the journey of my life. Sometimes it is easier to apologise than to ask for permission. The secret of life is not to arrive, well presented, in a timely manner at the grave but to skid in sideways at 100 mph shouting, “Holy Shit, what a ride.”

What is incredible, even if it does sound like a cliche is that I don’t want tons of money. I am politically active, I love the individual, I do not want tons of money but part of me wants to earn tons of money so that I can give it away. This is the opposite of the political class. I want to give away my money, they want to spend your money. They don’t have their own money, they plunder the rich, steal from the poor and borrow from the banksters creating a rentier economy, funding expenses and lining the pockets of those who join in and sing along to the consensus narrative. Perhaps we should limit our politicians to two terms – one in office and one in gaol. Yes I am a shock jockey but if life was fair on ocasion the horse would get to ride jockey.

blue-pill-red-pill

“Put up or shut up? – A plague on all of their houses.

Socialist at twenty; Tory at thirty; Libertarian at forty; Anarchist at fifty, probably and if I am called a terrorist at sixty, I’ll be remembered as a freedom fighter at seventy.

All rights reserved © 2014 Andrew Hutchinson