Bobby says …

Bobby says …
You can run a land with armies
You can rule a sea with boats
But I prefer democracy
Where you run a land with votes.

You can run a land with bullets
You can crush dissent with sticks
But I prefer democracy
Where you run a land with ticks.

You can run a land with slogans
You can dominate with voice
But I prefer democracy
Where you run a land with choice.

You can run a land with torture
You can keep control with fights
But I prefer democracy
Where you run a land with rights.

You can run a land with freedom
You can find a people’s heart
But if this is democracy
You have to play your part.

You can run a land that dances
You can run a land that rocks
By voting for democracy
With your condom inside a box.

Bobby Nitro after Steve Turner 2015

Bobby Nitro's photo.

 

The Chocolate Budget

Budget day approaches and MPs continue to line their own pockets by increasing per capita expenditure on mental health issues, not to give Prime Mentalist Cameron an unfair advantage, a spokesperson insists.  The real story though continues to be the increasing likelihood of a return to the Chocolate Standard. A wide range of lenders from the big boys at the worlds’ favourite money launderers, Ping Pong Banking Corporation, through to giro day loan companies are raging at the prospect that negative inflation will mean them paying interest to people who have borrowed from them.

A RosesGovernor of the Bank of England, Mark Carnage, acted swifty to allay fears, bringing the wisdom of a foreign education to explain that since 1694 when God’s appointed financial adviser on earth, the English monarch, begat the Bank of England, we have been worshipping at the altar of year on year growth. The new negative interest payments were simply two sides of the same coin and the Royal Mint are actively considering a two-faced coin, the double-header, made from recycled chocolate. Before you rush down to your local Wonka’s Outlet Store issuance will be dependent on the introduction of the Chocolate Standard.

Barrat Holmes, of We Flog Any Garage, notes, “A meagre £1,000,000 mortgage based on 3.5% APR could mean payments of £5,000 a month. But if the APR becomes -3.5% the bank has to pay £5,000 a month to you. So the more you borrow from them, the more they have to pay you.” Straightforward? Well, no not until there is a universal Chocolate Standard, as no-one wants worthless fiat currency – remember the Curly Wurly?. The Swiss Toblerone continues to be the choice of both the Chinese and the Russians. Both produce inferior chocolate bars and until recently were heavily leveraged in Herpes Bars.

Indeed, one cheerful debtor told us, “I’m quids in, I’m going to take out as many pay day loans as I can. And if I don’t pay back the capital then they have to pay me penalties. If there’s no chocolate, I’ll take pre-decimalisaion Toffos.”

Within London’s square mile many financial institutions are thought to be keeping a stiff upper lip. “Brown lips tell no lies”, said a spokespersonfor PPBC, assuring us that the bank had plenty of reserves to cover the unexpected payments but the Herpes Bar wrappers strewn around Canary Warf told a different story.

“Don’t worry. We’ll just take it out of old people’s savings accounts. They can suck but they can’t chew” He explained. Can we really expect a return to 2008 when pensioners queued day and night to suck on a length of Northern Rock? Will our denture less pensioners really find chocolate easier to swallow? We will find out on Wednesday or will we? Despite threats of criminal action against against lickers and hoarders we hear that Minstrels are flying off the shelves. Like an ISA they have a worthless outer shell but the same goods are on the inside, allbeit at a premium. Their practicality, mobility and ease of storage make them the preferred under the radar purchase.

Known as ‘little bitches’ or sovereigns, Minstrels are the choice of bankers around the world, who are known to swap hands at ninety-nine when indulging. “Wall’s have ears, I found one in my ninety nine once but my tip to the plebs is to do the opposite to the crowd, no cream eggs for me, what’s Easter?”, said Baron Redshield.

cucumberA case of suck it and see. Meanwhile Britains premier parasitic pensioner has no such financial woes as the family firm, founded in 1066, is guaranteed to endorse your choccy bars soon with a brand new effigy.

“With a succession of new Chairmen lined up through until the turn of the century only an oubreak of common sense will halt this Greco-German brand,” said Russel Bland.

 

All rights reserved © 2015 Andrew Hutchinson

Comedy in a Nutshell

Well yours truly, along with ten thousand others, has been asked to contribute to an opinion piece for a university comedy website. They have a list of some commonly asked questions. Well here’s how it went.

Interviewer: Lewis Calvert, Liverpool John Moores University

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Interviewee: Andrew Hutchinson aka ‘Bobby Nitro

https://laughterpool.wordpress.com/ask-me-anything/comedy-topics-by-andrew-hutchinson/

All rights reserved © 2015 Andrew Hutchinson

Friggin’ Foragers

Supermarkets accross middle England are in turmoil, not at the prospect of EU withdrawal but goose stepping ancient foraging laws more ancient than the Royal and Ancient and more akin to the middle ages than middle England. Do they mean that supermarkets are unable to legally charge for fruit, meat or vegetables on the proviso that they could have been picked, dug up or hunted in Britain?

A spokesman for the National Association of Friggin’ Foragers told us “Most of our members do spend a lot of in woods, up lanes and generally getting lost but it’s comforting to know that on occasions that they can’t be bothered or it’s raining, all the loose unpackaged products in supermarkets can still be legally foraged for free. As long as they carry a wicker basket and only pick up food they plan to eat that evening.”

William Bracey-Norris known locally as ‘Foraging Noris’ had just left Samesbury’s and remarked, “I’ve just foraged berries, potatoes and a joint of pork, all free as I could have picked it myself in the countryside. If I hadn’t also had to pay £140 for a baguette and a newspaper, I’d have been quids in.”

A spokesperson for supermarket giant Polska Express explained that the company would still expect to be making a profit charging for their best selling chopped and shaped chicken derivative miscellaneous shapes and bear ham. “What do you expect for 99p, a organic raised, Cheltenham Gold Cup winning, two foreign holidays a year thorough bred? Retard”. Karol Wotzamakallitz went on to say that his parents always told him to watch what he ate and now he understands the importance of watching the Grand National as a family.

All rights reserved © 2015 Andrew Hutchinson

2015 Election Debate to be held on Porn Hub

STOP PRESS – LATE BREAKING NEWS

sootyPrime Mentalist David Cameron has confirmed today that he will not be attending any televised pre-election debates unless famous glove puppet Sooty is included.

Mr Cameron has said, “All national parties and Sooty must be represented at the live debates – which were first introduced for the 2010 general election – they set a prescedent for puppets being centre stage.”

 

The Groinian and Daily Torygraph have announced that they are teaming up with online skin flick vendor Porn Hub, to host an online leader’s debate  ahead of the General election on May 7th.

A spokesman for the three media outlets explained, “People are bored of stagnant debate and lame party political broadcasts on BBB and CTV. Even that Skyblue lot are getting a bit fully clothed and samey. What happened topless darts? Here there’s a load of pricks, people need is to be able to weigh up the finer points of each relevant candidate’s beliefs, trustworthiness and all round political sophistication whilst simultaneously having a sneaky wank.”

debateOne voter we spoke to welcomed the news, “It’s about time politics got a bit more naughty. It’ll give any promises of an in out referendum a new meaning though”.

Deputy Prime Mentalist Nick Clegg was already growing a moustache, complaining about the heat and stripping off to the sound of a 1970s style wah wah guitar when we spoke to him.

“I’ll go into coalition with anyone. And I mean anyone.  I’m so filthy. I’m just sitting here wearing only my pants waiting for a senior coalition partner. One that’ll boss me about and treat me like the naughty tuition fee raising little politician that I am. Yeah.”, he noted.

In a rare display of cross party agreement, Prime Mentalist David Cameron has promised to stop playing hard to get and has also voiced his support for the proposals.

“It’ll take us back to the good old days when our MPs were always getting caught wearing ladies underwear with an orange stuck in their mouths. We didn’t need a coalition then. It must be the way forward.”

I loved the 80s, when the Tories had the MFI problem – one loose screw and your cabinet fell apart.

All rights reserved © 2015 Inspired by: News Toad

Why I’m joining Equity

And all other comedians should too, says Paul Ricketts

Comedians (me especially), love to moan – in cars, onstage, backstage, on Twitter & Facebook, Chortle and most recently at meetings.

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I hope most working stand-ups will have heard about the newly formed UK Comedy Guild which came into being after a series of meetings held in London – mostly initiated by the issue of late payments by Jongleurs.

The frustration by felt by some comics at Equity’s response to this issue indirectly led to an invitation for a comedians’ delegation to meet with Equity bigwigs. At these meetings both the delegation and Equity quickly realised that things need to change.

As a result, I’m not only going to join, but also ask other comedy performers to do the same.

champagneAfter these meetings I’m now confident that finally comics can have the effective, professional and expert unionised representation to campaign and negotiate on pay and conditions, which can change the industry for the better at all levels. And while the nascent UK Comedy Guild will be a welcome watchdog overlooking and representing all parts of the comedy industry, only Equity wishes to solely represent all comedy performers (from sketch to improv, alternative to new alternative, clowns to musical comics) working in all the different circuits, venues and media.

This is a new start, but if we want Equity to take us seriously then we need to show that we take it seriously too. The aim is in the near future that comics will feel that Equity membership is a badge of professionalism – much like musicians in Musician’s Union and actors in erm… Equity.

But will things change?

Already Equity has given the chance for comics to have a new, distinctive voice within the union by offering us the opportunity to form a Comedians’ Network, and an allocated Equity official to work with us.

Further meetings are planned with the comedian’s delegation and Equity officials have also offered, through the UK Comedy Guild, to come to a general meeting to answer comedy performers’ concerns.

More changes have been offered such as the formation of a comedians’ branch (removing us from being under ‘Variety’ branch of Equity), plus the possible future recruitment of a new dedicated comedy official.

But none of these things will happen unless loads of comedy performers choose to join (or re-join) Equity. I’m mainly preaching here to those comic performers who make (or part make) their living in the industry, but open spots shouldn’t think that joining Equity won’t be of use. If they want to graduate into regular paid work and already have evidence of earnings in excess of £500 from comedy (up to six email scans/screen grabs will do), then membership is an investment in their future.

In short, the more members we have, the more Equity can do for us!

What does Equity offer? Click here for the full details, but in brief it’s protection from unfair treatment from managements, employers, agents or bookers, insurance, free legal services and tax and welfare support. And it can offer collective representation in disputes with employers, thereby minimising the risk of comics being ‘blacklisted’, as well as campaigning for better pay and conditions across the industry.

I know that for some comics unionisation conjures up images of obstreperous ‘I’m Alright Jack’ leaders asking workers for ‘a show of hands’ in factory car parks. But I’m not asking you to join Equity to ‘break the balls of the bosses’. I know that the stationary and even reduced performing fees that currently exist are understandable during an eight-year recession.

What I want in the future is a flourishing and successful comedy industry and a professional body to represent and ensure that performers get their fair rewards in a growing multi-million pound business.

But as I said before we need lots of new members to make this achievable aim possible. So that’s why I’m joining Equity and asking you to do so too.

Click here to join Equity; and once you’ve joined please email UK Comedy Guild with your name and conformation that you’re an Equity member: comedianscollective@gmail.com

All rights reserved © 2015 Source: Chortle